A Long Painful Journey pt 2: 7th Grade Blues

"He who hates Me hates My Father also.” John 15:23

6th grade would be the begin of her hatred towards her father era. But 7th grade she would soon be playing the blues for the rest of her life. When her father left, she found a safe haven in her god mom's arms. Her Godmother would counsel her when she had a rough day at school, talk to her when she had episodes of anxiety, make her smile when she was down etc.Her godmother was her foundation after her father left, but the Devil had some tricks up his sleeve. Her Godmother has been battling breast cancer even before her father left. She was a strong woman, loved God, always brought the family together. She was my whole world. On October 25 at 2 pm, breast cancer would finally win and take her home to be with God. When she died, I didn’t know where to channel my anger and hate towards again. But as weeks went by my anger and hate became towards God and her. I was upset that she had left me to battle with demons that I wasn’t capable of defeating. Angry that she hadn’t kept her promise, angry at God for taking my last joy away from me and angry that I never got to say goodbye. Looking back I still remember pleading with her not to give up; that I still needed her and she’ll be back on her feet. But if anything that I kept in my heart; was that day on the phone few weeks before her death. She said” I’m going to make it, but if God wants me home… I’m going. But know I’ll always watch over you no matter what.” My young naive self didn’t believe her, but that day October 25 was the last time. Never even got to say goodbye, she just left with no warning. After she died months would go by and my hate towards God grew even more. I hated God. Anything that meant going to church, reading the bible, praying I didn’t want to hear it. At that time I believed God was selfish, he took the last person that I connected with. 2017 would be the year I realized I needed God; that my god mom left the world happy. Her suffering was over, she had finally reached paradise. But for those long and painful 5 years, my hate towards God would grow deeper.